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That Eric Alpher has posted a version of Smells Like Teen Spirit...

klaptor — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 13:01:12 -0400

That Eric Alpher has posted a version of Smells Like Teen Spirit with the vocals isolated.
The craziest thing about listening to this is how melodic and haunting it is. First time I heard Teen Spirit in the 90’s I would have sworn he spit blood and swigged fire to cauterize his throat.

Oh, Butch Vig, you fool me every time.

Jenna Jameson Shyamalans The Traditional Porn Opening

klaptor — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 11:40:00 -0400

Jenna Jameson allegedly broke into someone’s home on Orange County and assaulted them. That had to confuse the crap out of the assaulted because normally, when Ms. Jameson show’s up unannounced hand jobs aren’t far behind, but this time the whacking was on not off.

She was put under citizen’s arrest, then, actual arrest, so things are probably getting hot and heavy behind bars right now if the documentary, Sexy Girls In The Slammer, is correct. Also, that prison overcrowding means something different during the final orgy scene.

This Is Why Your Grandma Can Kick Your Ass

klaptor — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 09:30:35 -0400

If you ever wonder why your grandparents are tougher than petrified leather, it’s stuff like this. The baby cage (patented in 1922) was meant to give kids a taste of fresh-air while turning their balls into iron. I’m sure this was also used, during the depression, to lure birds of prey within easy shooting distance. If you couldn’t afford a turkey for Thanksgiving, no problem! Simply put a child in the window and when a peregrine falcon dives in to take it away, yell ‘duck’ and fire away with your standard bird shot. By the time the kid was 1, they’d just give them the gun and say ‘Don’t let mama go hungry. Good luck.’

Canada Doesn't Think Anywhere In The US Should Be Avoided

klaptor — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 09:30:00 -0400

Canada’s Department of Foreign Affairs just released a map of safe to travel destinations for Canadians. I’m not sure what their criteria is because they seem to think it’s safe to travel to Antarctica, which doesn’t seem safe at all. It can get so cold you could freeze to death in seconds, so if something goes wrong I assume it can get Lord Of The Flies pretty quick. I’d bet dollars to donuts if the power goes out in a building near the South Pole you’d be gutted and worn like a Ton-Ton before you could say ”I thought you were a scientist, dammit!” They don’t even say there are places you should avoid! However, that doesn’t mean much since they claim The United States has no places you should avoid, which seems a bit odd since there are a lot of places in the US I avoid and I live here.

Also, way to make the rest of Africa look bad Botswana. You jerk. No places to avoid in Botswana, not even those places where lions look at you like lunch.

And while we’re on the subject, what places in Japan are you supposed to avoid? And saying there are some places in Russia to avoid is a pretty vague assessment. They’re like a quarter of the world, I’m sure there are a lot of places to avoid, like those islands in the Arctic Circle for much the same reason as I mentioned for Antarctica.

“Model buffet” Kirstie Clements, former Australian Vogue editor, has written a tell...

klaptor — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 16:30:52 -0400

“Model buffet”

Kirstie Clements, former Australian Vogue editor, has written a tell all book, and apparently the only interesting thing she’s telling all about is that models eat tissues to stay thin. Apparently, they aren’t stuffing their bras, they’re just hording snacks.

Once you start eating tissues to feel full I feel like you shout look at your life and start thinking about making other choices. It’s like the hoarder who thinks just because they have maggots under their boxes there’s no reason to stop “collecting.”

To be honest it’s strange to me that people would think it’s not super humanly hard to be a model. I get that it messes with the ”I hate super models because they just have to look pretty set.” Honestly, if there is millions of dollars on the table do you really think you can just waltz into it, by luck. Yeah, maybe there shouldn’t be a culture that thinks dancing skeletons are sexy, but hating people who make it to the top of that world is silly.

BRUTUS STABBED CAESAR IN THE DICK!

klaptor — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 13:00:51 -0400

“Not in the dick, Brutus! Not. In. The. Dick.”

When I learned about Marcus Brutus’ involvement in the plot to kill Julius Caesar it was couched in the play by William Shakespeare, which depicts Brutus reluctantly stabbing Caesar in the back. However, like most Hollywood films based on historical events like Titanic, Pearl Harbor or Goonies, there are often a lot of liberties taken to make the events seem more epic. So it is with Caesar. Turns out when Brutus approached Caesar and Caesar uttered those famous words “E tu Brute” or something similar like “you too my child” (loooong story short, Brutus may have been the big C’s bastard son) Brutus responded by stabbing him in the dick. Yep, which makes me think there was little of the hand ringing that goes on in the play. “E tu Brute? Ow! My dick!” is his actual last words.
I can understand why this is not in the play nor taught in school. The day this was taught in school would be worse than the day they taught about General Rochambeau (pronounced roshambo like the game to kick each other in the nuts). The day Brutus dick stab was taught in school boys would be running around playing Brutus and Caesar, which would be a game where one kid “Caesar” would be in the middle of a circle of 30 kids and only one gets to punch him in the nuts, the game is to figure out who before getting punched in the nuts. This is also changed in the play because, if not, Marc Antony’s famous speech would have been reduced to him repeating over and over again. “Brutus stabbed him in dick. He may have been a bad guy, but the DICK? Too far. Too far.” That and they would have left in the part where Marc Antony read Caesar’s will and he left stuff to everyone in Rome. Not as romantic, but at least more historically accurate.

FREDDIE MERCURY IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!

klaptor — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 09:30:23 -0400

“Are you sure no one will recognize me, Freddy?”

I want you to take a moment and imagine you are at a party. You are at a party with one of the most recognized leaders of your country and your plan is to take her to a gay bar.

The Sun is reporting Cleo Rocos’s new book, The Power of Positive Drinking, contains a scene where Freddie Mercury does just this with Princess Diana.

So like a crazy sitcom, they dress her up in army fatigues an head to the bar, where she met and fell in love with Prince Charles. That last part might be a lie.

Escaped Killer Dolphin Crisis Day 2: These Dolphins Can Rape

klaptor — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 12:03:00 -0400

Mason Cromwell Jr. writes for Ask Men Answers and he has a fascinating article today about dolphin’s rapey tendencies and how to fight them off.
By far the scariest part of the article is as follows:

Dolphins have strong, flexible penises capable of grabbing you. That’s right. Dolphin penises, which can reach lengths of 14 inches, are capable of grabbing you by the arm and pulling you underwater. In fact, some dolphins are known to drag humans down to underwater rape caves where they can have some privacy. Scuba divers have reported finding bodies in these caves that show evidence of penetration and dolphin bite marks.

It’s the grabby penis that really gets me. —Yeah puns!— Imagine frolicking in the ocean and getting seized by a dolphin who can use his penis like Indiana Jones uses a whip. I’m mean it’s really impressive, but knowing there is rape coming will defiantly taint your view of the evolutionary miracle.

Beside “rape cave” on the fast track to be the name of a Slipknot cover band, it’s also worrisome because it hints at the existence of serial dolphin rapist. That means lurking in the depths of the ocean is the craziest dolphin rapist in a cave that, not only has raped humans, but all manner of raped animal from sharks to sea turtles. I imagine wandering into this cave while scuba diving would be a terrifying venture. First, you would notice the dead menagerie. Next, the “hey, it looks like something raped these animals.” Then you’d slowly turn to see the dolphin, holding a moonshine jar with three x’s on it smiling at you. Then Gary, on the surface boat, puts it all together and the radio in your ear crackles, “Get out of there, Mac. You’re in a rape cave!” Too little, too late.

Anyway, I’m not saying these elite trained, escaped, killer dolphins are rapists, but they MAY BE SETTING UP THEIR RAPE CAVE AS YOU READ THIS! And looking for a knife to attach to their face.
Long story short, I’m not going into the Black Sea anytime soon.

In other news Mason Cromwell has a couple other interesting articles you might like:

5 Bands To See Live In LA

5 Best Concert Venues in North America

How To Pick Up Forgein Women

AMERICANS HAVE ALMOST EATEN THEMSELVES OUT OF BIRDS So Yahoo...

klaptor — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 16:30:51 -0400

AMERICANS HAVE ALMOST EATEN THEMSELVES OUT OF BIRDS

So Yahoo News has this video up today supposedly a North Korean propaganda video, but they seem to have no origin, nor know if the translation is correct. But, we started the day with dubiously true news, so let’s end it that way.
First of all I would love to be a fly on the writer’s room walls pitching ideas for this piece. “Oh! Let’s say these people are drinking snow next to the dead friends in blue bodybags!”
“Crap we said they ate all the birds, but there are birds in that shot? I know, let’s tell them the birds will be eaten Tuesday.” “I wonder if the birds are any good.” “Dude, put in there that the birds are tasty, that’ll make the camera crew seem adventurous!”
However, putting on the serious hat for a second, if this is really what the North Korean people know of America, then why shouldn’t they believe it? Why shouldn’t they take pity on us? Why shouldn’t they think of us as a backward people who just want to kill each other with our guns and eat snow? They’ve never been here and they may have no reason to believe their government is lying any more than we think ours is?
Anyway, I gotta jet my friend is beginning to smell and those tree birds aren’t going to kill themselves in my boiling snow.

THE BEER ARMCHAIR

klaptor — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 13:00:54 -0400

Foodbeast has an article about an armchair that will fill your beer while you sit. It’s guaranteed to get rid of your embarrassing stumble to the kitchen to get another beer in the 4th quarter, so now your friends can hear your Madden-esque, Joe Buck or Steve Smith inspired in depth ramblings of the game nonstop, instead of sneaking out.
This feels geared toward college students who’ll go on about how that’s “totally what I’d get if I won the lottery” and people who want their living room to smell like beer.
If you’re too lazy to get up and get a beer this chair will do nothing for you except take up the room currently occupied by your mini fridge/end table.
The people who will like this the most are women of alcoholic husbands since the more time their AAphobic men sit in the chair, the easier it will be to outrun them; now that his only exercise is gone.

KILLER DOLPHINS ON THE LOOSE

klaptor — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 09:30:19 -0400

There is a story that has been picked up by various news outlets that a pair of dolphins have escaped their handlers and are loose somewhere in the Black Sea. Oh, and they’re trained killers from the Ukraine Defense Ministry. The story goes, they’re normally used to detect sea mines, but could kill enemy divers if they strap a knife or gun to their head. Killer Knife-Faced Dolphins!
It doesn’t matter if this story is true or not, because the image of two rouge killer dolphins is so awesome the Miami football team has already changed their logo to a dolphin with a knife on it’s face.
Development execs across LA are already taking meetings and deciding whether it will be live action or animated. The people at Marvel are working on a toy/comic line and seeing if they can lease Selena Gomez to voice the sassy one who planned the escape.
I think Quentin Tarantino should write the movie. Kill BIll in the ocean. With a lot of dolphins stabbing people in the face. It would be call “Majestic Beasts” and they would use the N-word a lot.

BOB HOPE'S HOME FOR SALE

klaptor — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 09:30:18 -0500

The Daily Mail Online has an article out about Bob Hope’s $50 million house for sale. It’s a steal since you’d be a quick drive to the Coachella festival, Basically, after you see Wu-Tang rapping with hologram of ODB (please let this happen!) you can invite the drunkest, cutest, friends you can find to come stay at your place.
ignoring the obvious, that if you could afford a $50 Million mansion you would probably be the person who invented the hologram not the person reading this drunken ramblings. It would be awesome to get a bunch of people in on this and scoop it up for a giant crash pad. If 50 people give a million dollars we’re there. 100 only have to give half that. BUT! if we get only 1/8 of the US to donate a dollar, boom, game over. This place is really very cool. I know there is a story out there that the architect and Bob (I hope I can call him Bob, now that he’s dead) didn’t get along because Bob (a fan of architecture in his own right) kept butting in when the architect, John Lautner was designing.
Anyway, the result is awesome and the rest is history.

CALL ME A HOLE

klaptor — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 09:30:15 -0500

If done right, a mash-up is a glimpse into an alternate universe. I like to ponder the world where this mash up of Call Me Maybe and Head Like A Hole was an original song. I imagine goth kids with glitter pens writing NIN all over their notebooks or trading their black nails for a brighter shade. So here it is

Call Me A Hole - Mashed up by pomDeterrific

…and as a bonus from the same universe would be this gem
Psychosocial Baby - Justin Bieber vs. Slipknot - Mashed up by Isosine

BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO END THE DAY LIKE THIS This is...

klaptor — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 16:30:26 -0500

BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO END THE DAY LIKE THIS

This is Salvidor Dali at a book signing. It was taken by Philippe Halsman in 1963.

When I was in Paris, I hung out around The Salvidor Dali Museum and at one point there was a couple in a nearby apartment so loudly copulating the people waiting in line for the museum were activley pretending not to notice. Oddly enough, this is how I imagined the guy in the apartment looked.

SUPPORT YOUR INDY LABEL LIKE YOU'RE A BRA ON A SUPERMODEL

klaptor — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 13:01:08 -0500

I had never heard of Quote Your Pulse and very few of their artist, but I now love them. Not in the stalker-ish wear their skin as a suit way, but a health love for a band. Well bands really, I guess I’d be like an orgy, but where everyone cares about each other, that’s the specific type of love I’m talking about. The kind the Greeks didn’t have a word for.
That went way off the rails…
Anyway, my point is, QYP has a lot of great music, some samples for free download and now two hours of my time I’ve spent listening to their artists. Check out their website here

Or check out the compilation below, but really, go explore their website, buy some albums, go to a show, hook up with a bassist (they’re always get the left over groupies, they’ll be happy to get a hot one).

California Love, Pt. 2 by Quote Your Pulse Records

GOING BLUE...BUT FROM WHERE?

klaptor — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 09:30:22 -0500

In case you haven’t guessed by my wit and amount of time I have to be at a computer doing nothing but endless clicks, re-clicks and link following, I am a standup comedian. Recently, another standup comedian friend of mine and I were talking about the phrase “going blue” or doing “blue material.”
For those unaware, in this context the phrase means when you do sexual or risque bits. My friend said (and I will do the official blog quote):

I think it means, like, blue collar. You know, working class - MH

That makes sense, but because I have an internet addiction and nothing to write about today I decided to look it up.
I could not find a consensus, but here are the top three answers:

Second Runner up: The term comes from the music hall comedian Max Miller who kept all his adult jokes in a blue colored notebook.

First Runner up: Then from the comments of a blog I found this gem: Blue is a refererence to the blue gown that was once a whore’s ‘uniform’ in the 17th/18th centuries; the French Bibliothèque bleue, ‘a series of books of questionable character’ (Farmer and Henley, Slang and Its Analogues [1890-1904]) or as the opposite of brown, meaning puritan. One might also note the papier bleu which in 18C covered the pornographic or seditious material on the tray of a colporteur, an itinerant Parisian bookseller]

Winner: (kinda) After a bunch of searching and asking and searching and clicking I was pointed to a Nerdist Podcast from November of 2012 with some of my heroes of comedy, Billy Connolly, Eric Idle, and Eddie Izzard, no offense to Chris Hardwick or Sophie Winkleman, but Billy Connolly’s story telling is one of the greatest thing ever and at about the 1:07:00 mark he says this as the origin:

That’s where blue comes from - blue material, blue movies - ‘cause the Lord Chamberlain had a blue pencil and he put it around the bits you couldn’t do.

I’m going with Billy Connolly because I think he’s awesome and the second, longer, answer requires me to read a book and the library is closed. That’s that.

THEY COULDA BEEN SOMEBODY...THEY COULDA BEEN...

klaptor — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 09:30:27 -0500

Human nature always looks at what could have been. What if Bill Buckner got his ass down and made the play? Would that have ended the curse or would Boston still not make the World Series for about 20 years? What if Kurt hadn’t killed himself, would Nirvana eventually go stale or were the reviews of In Utero a glimpse into something that would keep rock as honest as Aftermath kept rap until they fell into the fade? Who knows? But the most tangible and therefore the best, IMHO, is what if an actor hadn’t passed on a role.
My favorite of this is Old Blue eyes being up for the lead in On The Waterfront until Brando actually decided to read the script. I love Waterfront because of its historical context (Elia Kazan made it as a F U to Arther Miller and his play The Crucible) as well as artistically, it being the pinnacle of Brando and his method acting. But what if it had been Frank? Would the studio have insisted they put in a lonely song Frank sang to Eva Marie Saint on the docks about the boats coming in and out? Could it have changed it from an artistic gritty film to something more commercial? It is anyone’s guess, but ChaCha has a list of actor who turned down legendary roles. My favorites are Johnny Depp turning down the role of Ferris Bueller, Jack turning down the role of Micheal in the Godfather, and Leo turning down the role of Dirk Diggler. All those movies would have been not only significantly different, but significantly stranger.
If chaos theory is correct there is a universe where all these differences exist and in that one, I think, Ska is bigger than hip-hop.

OH LOOK, THEY'RE KILLING ANOTHER SUPERHERO

klaptor — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 09:30:15 -0500

The New York Post is reporting that DC is killing off Robin in a new comic series.

This is another case of “why is this news?” They kill someone off every year or so and then they just relaunch the series in a different world or some crap.

The next time an announcement like this gets news reporting it better be something like they are killing the writer who created Robin. However, they’re all dead so I guess it would be news if they dug up Bob Kane, Bill Finger and Jerry Robinson and re-animated them; then made a comic book of that.

REP. HICKEY OF SOUTH DAKOTA CALLS MMA "THE CHILD PORN OF SPORTS"

klaptor — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 09:19:39 -0500

According to Representative Steve Hickey of South Dakota :

I hope you’ll agree that MMA is over the line of what should be tolerable with regard to “violent entertainment” as child porn is clearly over the line with regard to “adult entertainment.” MMA Cage Fighting is the child porn of sports.

Ironically, child porn is known as the MMA of porn. I’m kidding, tentacle erotica is.

I have to wonder how many other analogies he went through before he arrived at the child porn one. “MMA is the Nickelback of sports?” “MMA is the uncontrollable flatulence of sports?” “MMA is the John Wayne Gace of sports?” I bet there are a couple of drafts of the John Wayne Gacy one that go something like…

I hope you’ll agree that MMA is over the line of what should be tolerable in fighting just like John Wayne Gacy is clearly over the line when it comes to serial killers. We can all agree serial killers are creepy, but we like them to be like Ted Bundy or Hannibal Lecter. Smooth talkers who kill people with a little panache, not some f-ed up clown. That’s scary as shit, just like MMA.

When you look at it like that I’m glad he changed it, the child porn thing flows a lot better, however, when you look like you might molest the children you have locked in your basement you should bring up the subject.

His blog post is about Senate Bill 84 which will create an athletic commission so they can have boxing, MMA and the like in South Dakota. However, the over-reacting State Senator sees as a slippery slope. He says:

If we want to attract dirty and bloody money why not legalize prostitution or bring back the gladiators

It sounds like if this bill passes he’d be willing to sponsor one that would legalize prostitution and gladiators, or gladiator prostitutes. Gladiator Prostitutes would not only be a good name for a band, but a great money maker for the state. You’d pay to have to girls fight to the death and then you’d get to have sex with the winner. Man, this guy is what sick dude.

PROFANITYPE YOU &#$!BIRDS!

klaptor — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 16:30:33 -0500

Earlier today I used the (&#% symbols for a profanity. This actually has a name, it’s called Profanitype. Check out TV Tropes from a little more info.

There you &$%@ers go. Now you’re (&*^$ educated!