April 2013
7 posts
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Jenna Jameson Shyamalans The Traditional Porn...
Jenna Jameson allegedly broke into someone’s home on Orange County and assaulted them. That had to confuse the crap out of the assaulted because normally, when Ms. Jameson show’s up unannounced hand jobs aren’t far behind, but this time the whacking was on not off.
She was put under citizen’s arrest, then, actual arrest, so things are probably getting hot and heavy...
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This Is Why Your Grandma Can Kick Your Ass
If you ever wonder why your grandparents are tougher than petrified leather, it’s stuff like this. The baby cage (patented in 1922) was meant to give kids a taste of fresh-air while turning their balls into iron. I’m sure this was also used, during the depression, to lure birds of prey within easy shooting distance. If you couldn’t afford a turkey for Thanksgiving, no problem!...
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Canada Doesn't Think Anywhere In The US Should Be...
Canada’s Department of Foreign Affairs just released a map of safe to travel destinations for Canadians. I’m not sure what their criteria is because they seem to think it’s safe to travel to Antarctica, which doesn’t seem safe at all. It can get so cold you could freeze to death in seconds, so if something goes wrong I assume it can get Lord Of The Flies pretty quick....
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“Model buffet”
Kirstie Clements, former Australian Vogue editor, has written a tell all book, and apparently the only interesting thing she’s telling all about is that models eat tissues to stay thin. Apparently, they aren’t stuffing their bras, they’re just hording snacks.
Once you start eating tissues to feel full I feel like you shout look at your life and...
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BRUTUS STABBED CAESAR IN THE DICK!
“Not in the dick, Brutus! Not. In. The. Dick.”
When I learned about Marcus Brutus’ involvement in the plot to kill Julius Caesar it was couched in the play by William Shakespeare, which depicts Brutus reluctantly stabbing Caesar in the back. However, like most Hollywood films based on historical events like Titanic, Pearl Harbor or Goonies, there are often a lot of liberties...
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FREDDIE MERCURY IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!
“Are you sure no one will recognize me, Freddy?”
I want you to take a moment and imagine you are at a party. You are at a party with one of the most recognized leaders of your country and your plan is to take her to a gay bar.
The Sun is reporting Cleo Rocos’s new book, The Power of Positive Drinking, contains a scene where Freddie Mercury does just this with Princess...
March 2013
10 posts
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Escaped Killer Dolphin Crisis Day 2: These...
Mason Cromwell Jr. writes for Ask Men Answers and he has a fascinating article today about dolphin’s rapey tendencies and how to fight them off. By far the scariest part of the article is as follows:
Dolphins have strong, flexible penises capable of grabbing you. That’s right. Dolphin penises, which can reach lengths of 14 inches, are capable of grabbing you by the arm and pulling you...
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WatchAMERICANS HAVE ALMOST EATEN THEMSELVES OUT OF BIRDS
So Yahoo News has this video up today supposedly a North Korean propaganda video, but they seem to have no origin, nor know if the translation is correct. But, we started the day with dubiously true news, so let’s end it that way. First of all I would love to be a fly on the writer’s room walls pitching ideas for this piece....
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THE BEER ARMCHAIR
Foodbeast has an article about an armchair that will fill your beer while you sit. It’s guaranteed to get rid of your embarrassing stumble to the kitchen to get another beer in the 4th quarter, so now your friends can hear your Madden-esque, Joe Buck or Steve Smith inspired in depth ramblings of the game nonstop, instead of sneaking out. This feels geared toward college students...
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KILLER DOLPHINS ON THE LOOSE
There is a story that has been picked up by various news outlets that a pair of dolphins have escaped their handlers and are loose somewhere in the Black Sea. Oh, and they’re trained killers from the Ukraine Defense Ministry. The story goes, they’re normally used to detect sea mines, but could kill enemy divers if they strap a knife or gun to their head. Killer Knife-Faced Dolphins!...
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BOB HOPE'S HOME FOR SALE
The Daily Mail Online has an article out about Bob Hope’s $50 million house for sale. It’s a steal since you’d be a quick drive to the Coachella festival, Basically, after you see Wu-Tang rapping with hologram of ODB (please let this happen!) you can invite the drunkest, cutest, friends you can find to come stay at your place. ignoring the obvious, that if you could afford a...
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CALL ME A HOLE
If done right, a mash-up is a glimpse into an alternate universe. I like to ponder the world where this mash up of Call Me Maybe and Head Like A Hole was an original song. I imagine goth kids with glitter pens writing NIN all over their notebooks or trading their black nails for a brighter shade. So here it is
Call Me A Hole - Mashed up by pomDeterrific …and as a bonus from the same...
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SUPPORT YOUR INDY LABEL LIKE YOU'RE A BRA ON A...
I had never heard of Quote Your Pulse and very few of their artist, but I now love them. Not in the stalker-ish wear their skin as a suit way, but a health love for a band. Well bands really, I guess I’d be like an orgy, but where everyone cares about each other, that’s the specific type of love I’m talking about. The kind the Greeks didn’t have a word for. That went way...
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GOING BLUE...BUT FROM WHERE?
In case you haven’t guessed by my wit and amount of time I have to be at a computer doing nothing but endless clicks, re-clicks and link following, I am a standup comedian. Recently, another standup comedian friend of mine and I were talking about the phrase “going blue” or doing “blue material.” For those unaware, in this context the phrase means when you do...
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THEY COULDA BEEN SOMEBODY...THEY COULDA BEEN...
Human nature always looks at what could have been. What if Bill Buckner got his ass down and made the play? Would that have ended the curse or would Boston still not make the World Series for about 20 years? What if Kurt hadn’t killed himself, would Nirvana eventually go stale or were the reviews of In Utero a glimpse into something that would keep rock as honest as Aftermath kept rap...
February 2013
38 posts
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OH LOOK, THEY'RE KILLING ANOTHER SUPERHERO
The New York Post is reporting that DC is killing off Robin in a new comic series. This is another case of “why is this news?” They kill someone off every year or so and then they just relaunch the series in a different world or some crap.
The next time an announcement like this gets news reporting it better be something like they are killing the writer who created Robin....
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REP. HICKEY OF SOUTH DAKOTA CALLS MMA "THE CHILD...
According to Representative Steve Hickey of South Dakota :
I hope you’ll agree that MMA is over the line of what should be tolerable with regard to “violent entertainment” as child porn is clearly over the line with regard to “adult entertainment.” MMA Cage Fighting is the child porn of sports.
Ironically, child porn is known as the MMA of porn. I’m kidding, tentacle erotica is. I...
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PROFANITYPE YOU &#$!BIRDS!
Earlier today I used the (&#% symbols for a profanity. This actually has a name, it’s called Profanitype. Check out TV Tropes from a little more info.
There you &$%@ers go. Now you’re (&*^$ educated!
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OH LOOK A $1000 GETS YOU AN OMLETE ... THIS IS NOT...
Some New York hotel has a $1000 omelet on their menu. Let me just explain to you how dumb this is in 3 simple points. #1 - HOW COOL AM I FOR PAYING A LOT FOR SOMETHING PEOPLE EAT EVERY DAY! - There is a certain type of person that has this mentality. Most people don’t want to hang out with these people because they are the same person who has a coffee cup made out of the same stuff as a...
NEWS! SOME PLOW DRIVERS ARE A$$&*$)%_+
First, I need to apologize about the swearing using symbols. I don’t know where that came from, but I use it sometimes and I’m not proud of it.
Anyway, there is a plow driver in Mass who got fired for putting a video up on YouTube where he laughs at others misery. However, that’s the spirit of winter and Massachusetts so I don’t know what the big deal is. Go ask the...
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MILLENNIALS HAVE THE DUMBEST PROBLEMS
So SLEEP TEXTING is now a thing. According to this article from CBS Philly teenagers are now so lazy they won’t even sleepwalk they just text. I think the news is getting lied to by high school kids. “Are you serious?” I can imagine a reporter saying to a group of stoned teenagers, “The newest thing you kids are doing is tying helium balloons to peoples books when...
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WHAT DOES 200 CALORIES WORTH OF FOOD LOOK LIKE?
This is what 200 calories of human flesh looks like if it was hotdog shaped. Nope, I read that wrong. This is what 200 calories of hotdog looks like. WiseGeek.com wrote it up and it’s been around the internet twice, and now it’s here. I hope you feel proud of your self.
However, what you should do is visit WiseGeek.com and kiss the rest of your day goodbye. I spent an hour and I...
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12 YEAR OLD GIRL GETS MANUSCRIPT PUBLISHED EVEN...
The Mirror of the Worlde is a manuscript of poems and drama by a 12 or 13 year old British chick, Elizabeth Tanfield Cary. I “forgot” to mention it was written in 1598 and she grew up to be the first female dramatist in England. That’s kind of a big deal, even if no of her plays contain transforming robots.
Full article here.
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SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE ON BRITISH TV?
Oh those wacky Brits, always a stiff upper lip less weird than Japanese TV. A view in the UK noticed something funny during a commercial break on Comedy Central during Mr. Bean. Realizing if it wasn’t Mr. Bean, Eddie Izzard, Monty Python, Stephen Fry or a handful of others, it shouldn’t be funny he went back an checked it out. Good think he did or the conspiracy wires would be...
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STRANGE PRESIDENTIAL FACTS
In the spirit of almost every President ever I’m getting hammered today. Because of that I really have no desire to put effort into anything today. So here is a link to 10 Crazy Presidential Facts from Metro UK. How crazy are they? You’ll have to click to see. Maybe one of the facts is “Teddy Roosevelt had Polk exhumed so he could punch him in the face.” Maybe not? The...
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PRESIDENT'S DAY BADASS - JACKSON
There are a few Presidents who are as legendary in their badassery as Andrew Jackson. He was the only Presidential voted “Most Likely to Punch Jesus In The Taint” by the Smithsonian Institute (citation needed). As this PBS Article reveals he was a wild young man and soon became a wild President. Some people say he dueled over 100 people in his life and almost had his arm amputated...
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NOVEL POSTERS
I think these are the coolest things ever. I might have posted it before, but I didn’t feel like reading back through my nearly 400 posts. These are posters made from the full text of novels. They are a perfect addition to any room where you want people to think you are a lot smarter than you are. Books = Smartness.
Check more designs out here
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RUSSIA HIT BY TESLA DEATH RAY FOR A SECOND TIME
Seems a trend is starting, once every 100 years someone builds a Tesla Death Ray and fires it at Russia. The last time it was Tesla himself who did it in 1908. I’m not insinuating this was intentional, possibly someone was fooling around with a Death Ray and it accidentally went off. Let this be a reminder, kids, Death Rays are not toys! Stop pointing them at Russia.
MEMORIZE A DECK OF CARDS IN UNDER 2 MINUTES
There are always a time to sit down and learn how to do something that will make people believe you have super powers, and memorizing a whole deck of cards will do that. I’m not saying it will get you laid, but if you can convince people you’re actually magic it can’t hurt. Just don’t wear a top hat and cape while you do it, then all bets are off. Also, the title is a...
THE PERIODIC TABLE OF JAZZ →
Okay, most people think Jazz is background music, but I love it. So F-U jazz haters. Deal with this. Or don’t … it’s no skin off my back.
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THERE ARE DRAWBACKS TO BEING REALLY TOUGH
Like no one having the balls to tell you you look silly.
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BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME CHRIS BROWN
Chris Brown smashed up his Porsche in Beverly Hills. Presumably he was trying to hit a woman and missed.
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LIAR OR LEDGEND?
Three times in the last month I have been confronted with St. Germain. The first was as a mixed drink with Hendrix Gin, second in an extensive article about The Count of St. Germain who was basically immortal and then most recently about the biggest liars in history. So which one was he? My guess is he’s an alcoholic beverage. He claimed he could turn lead to gold, spoke tons of...
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